Turn on, Tune in, Troll out.

Attempt

I really think I’d trade an arm and leg if it meant I’d never get a headache again. Having daily headaches, and these weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) migraine attacks that last up to three, sometimes four days (surprise! I’m on day 2.5 of this crippling, literally blinding (or at least the precursor was) migraine) is ruining everything.

Increasing with every two weeks that it doesn’t work, I’m now up to 49 pills a week. By the way—those are just to prevent them from happening. Add another >8 excedrin, >2 advil, and whatever else is safe for me to take, on a daily basis. What I’m really wondering is, when will they stop? I know damn well how to make them stop, and no, I don’t want to go back to taking those addictive, winter-break-ruining (better yet, brain/liver-damaging), habit forming (but yes, I’ll admit they’re very effective and I wish I hadn’t made some—or a lot of—bad decisions in these past few years) pills. 

I wish the chiropractor I’d seen helped me. Instead I just feel like I’m going to grow up to be a drug addict, or dead. Grow up dead, hah. Honestly, I’d change my life if I had any energy left to do so. The only energy I have goes to waking up, staying up, trying to do something (anything, really) and crying over this. I feel like someone, somewhere, hates me so much that at 11:11 every morning and night, wished/continues to wish that I’d live forever and have horrible pain right where I try to think. Every day.

I never thought I’d love the moments when I wake up and my head isn’t pounding, or when advil works, or when someone asks me how I’m feeling and I actually have to re-ask myself because it’s not some automatic response (shitty), or when it’s a nice day and I can actually go outside without feeling like someone is shoving needles into the backs of my eyeballs. Right now? I feel like I will forever have wrinkles between my eyebrows because of how difficult it is to even blink. If my brain could be bruised in three different places, like one of those really bad bruises that seem difficult to even look at, I think that’s what it would look like. Yeah, yeah…I know a brain can’t hurt, but these vessels and nerves and muscles are all kinds of fucked up.

I hope that anyone that’s talked to me in the past few months didn’t read any of the above, because I’ve most likely complained about it several times a day.

First thing I actually post in what seems like forever, and it’s just shit.